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It's official, my BMI is now 24.5 from 29.8, six month ago. My weight is now considered HEALTHY!!! HELL YEAH!!! I worked damn hard to get healthy again. I celebrated by eating two Milano cookies and about seven veggie chips.

Confirmed

Aug. 15th, 2025 12:30 pm
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My pelvic ultrasound (transabdominal + transvaginal) revealed two cysts on my left (and only) ovary. One cyst is a hemorrhagic cyst, UGH. At least I feel somewhat validated because of all those shitty symptoms. From my understanding cysts are a symptom of an underlying hormonal issue. Maybe my PCOS? 

I will expand on this later since I need to get ready for my shift.
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I had my last tonic-clonic (tc) seizure on February 17, 2024. I forgot about it until someone in the epilepsy subreddit mentioned they were seven years seizure free. Prior to last year, I was about 29 years tc seizure free. Sure, around 2017 I started having those annoying partial seizures (color auras and auditory hallucinations) due to that toxic box on wheels (VW Tiguan), but it never progressed to a full blown tc seizure. In 2018 I started taking anti epileptic drugs (AEDs) again because of the intensity and frequency of the partial seizures and this right-sided weird sensation.

While I'm grateful I haven't had a tc within the last year, historically my seizures have always been controlled with medication so this isn't a huge milestone. One of the reasons I had a seizure last year was the fact I took myself off my medication of five years, believing I didn't need it anymore. I hate taking any AEDs, because they all have such shitty side effects, but it's better than seizing and killing more brain cells. Oxcarbazepine (Trileptal) has worked for me with the least amount of shitty side effects (for now).

Ever since my seizure last February my memory and cognitive function are not the same, some of it is attributed to the oxcarbazepine, but for the most part I blame the seizure itself. Initially, It took me a good two weeks to recover from that seizure, during that time my thought processes and anything related to memory was pretty bad. When I started to take the oxcarbazepine in 2018, there was an adjustment period of a few months before the memory issues got better. It's now been a year and I'm still having very serious memory lapses. For example, this entry is several hours late, because I forgot I had this tab open, lol. Or the time I was buying groceries and used my debit card and completely FORGOT MY PIN NUMBER that I've used a zillion times. I just stood there struggling to remember it and finally gave up and used another card. I recently got notice of a non-renewal because I forgot to send in a simple document related to my auto insurance policy, despite putting it on my to-do list, which I also forgot to check, lmao. Anyways, there isn't anything I can do about it, just gotta continue to cope. 

Regardless, of my current memory issues and other side effects, I'm just glad there hasn't been any further seizure activity. Hopefully I can achieve another 29 years seizure free.

WHEW

Dec. 7th, 2022 04:51 pm
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Since I'm a contractor I wait until the end of the year to report my income for reduced healthcare premiums. This is typically not an issue, except this year I earned more than twice the amount. When I reported my increased yearly income I was told I may have to repay a significant amount on my 2022 taxes. This of course triggered panic on my part, lol.

When I logged on today onto the Covered California website, it was determined for 2022 I still qualified for health coverage under the same reduced healthcare premium based on my 2021 tax return. So, it's a good possibility any repayment of premiums will be none or low.

For 2023, it's going to be a different story, I will have to pay a larger out-of-pocket percentage for healthcare since I earned more, which is fine. Now I'm just waiting for MediCal's letter of disqualification for 2023 so I can choose another healthcare package (more expensive, but again, it's fine).

...

My tire FINALLY came in today and Mini-beast got a free shower (car wash)!!!

I can drive again!!!

...

My elliptical broke a few weeks ago. Fortunately, for me I purchased a protection plan that would either repair or refund the purchase price of the elliptical if it were to break during the plan's two year term. Since it was within the two year period I got the full purchase price reimbursed.

With that money I decided to buy a new elliptical stepper/climber. That was a mistake. Within a day I developed severe knee pain. My guess is the incline was waaay too steep for someone who has the occasional knee issue. Any and all knee sleeves/braces/support failed to protect/relieve me of my knee pain whether I would use the machine.

After a week of use I called Amazon to see what options were available to me since the machine was already assembled and the packaging was thrown out. Surprisingly, Amazon has Heavy Bulk Services that will pick up the elliptical stepper machine as is. I was so relieved.

It's been a few days since I've stopped using the elliptical stepper. I'm still gimpy, but my sore knees are feeling better. Today, I was able to walk without the knee supports, so that's always a great sign!
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My neuro and primary care doctor have left the medical group, that's fine, but it would've been nice if, I don't know, someone would have alerted the patients. It would explain why my many refill requests went unanswered. One of my medications expired and I won't be able to see a new doctor to get it refilled until...June 2023.

LOL

At first I was angry, but then I said FUCK IT. Why? Because I have medication back ups and since I'll have a new healthcare plan come next year, I'll have to chose different doctors/medical groups anyways.

I've already started the withdraw process for all my medications, even before all this happened. I guess this just accelerates my plan.
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WOW! That stuff cut right through my gross acanthosis nigricans. Sure my skin now looks like raw chicken, but it will heal. 

More Gross

Oct. 21st, 2020 02:39 pm
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I'm sure Toobin is thankful for Giuliani wanking it off in front of a young woman who he thought was 15.

What in the hell is wrong with some men?!

UGH!
...

Met with the dermatologist yesterday, actually no. I met with the physician assistant. As expected she gave me high dose topical steroids for my skin issues. For my other skin issue (acanthosis nigricans), she should have asked me a series of the following questions instead of ignoring the problem and trying to push me out:

1) Do you have diabetes?
2) Have you had a recent metabolic panel done? If so what were your A1c and fasting glucose results?
3) Have you seen an endocrinologist? If so have you been screened for Cushings?

Now I had to make ANOTHER appointment to see my primary to get a referral for an endocrinologist. Wasting more time.

Everything about my medical care is so pieced out, that it makes it hard to get PROMPT treatment. And leaving the responsibility to the patient to be the bridge between all healthcare providers is irresponsible and medical malpractice. What if I had a life threatening disease? What if I forgot to mention something vitally important about my treatment? They don't even read the patient's past history or previous test results.
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 I'm watching "Away" on Netflix and something a character said really resonated with me:

"You're looking in the wrong direction."

I get stuck replaying everything that has gone wrong in the past three years, as a result I become angry, resentful, and hurt. Looking back does my mental health no favors. Yes, I want to learn from the past, but I have to stop allowing it to interfere with my present and future.

Part of looking forward is to forgive and move-on. It's really hard to forgive those who have been unnecessarily cruel to me. But if I want to get out of the rut I'm in I need to let go. So this week I'm NOT going to allow the negative aspects of the past to creep into my thoughts. 

Why should I?

I no longer work for that egotistical and controlling motherfucker and all his dick sucking groupies. FUCK them.

And I'm no longer in contact with that self-hating shit head who's destined to die alone, fuckity fuck in CDD. He didn't deserve my heart or my kindness.

So, there is no need to keep dwelling on things that are over and done. I'll still be cordial, because I need business references, but if my ex boss asks me to work on anything for him, that'll be a polite HELL NO! And if that other fuck messages me for friendship after ghosting me, that'll be another polite HELL NO!

All that crap is in the past, now I just have to remember to look in the right direction.


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In terms of everything, job, boss, friends, etc...

Since I'm going through one of the worst periods of my life I'm vulnerable to loneliness and depression, I find myself making pretty shitty choices in the company I keep. 

That's about it.
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My ex passed away a year ago on the 20th, but I didn't find out until three days later. I found out when his mother angry tweeted something about UCLA Medical Center disrespecting a deceased native's body. When I read the tweet I'm like who is she talking about? I was thinking she was speaking about a fellow patient who was Native American. It slowly dawned on me it could be my ex. So I googled his name and there it was...his obituary. It's rough to see someone whom you cared for very much, have their date-of-birth proceeded by their date-of-death.

I took his death very hard. What helped me was Jesus' forgiveness and Philippians 3:13-14.

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

That verse helped to remind me whatever happened up until his death just doesn't matter anymore. The past is gone and I need to move on.

Fast forward a year later and I'm doing well. Time really does heal. Yes, I will always remember him and the day he died, but I continue to press forward with my life.
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I'm in midst of a very demanding and long trial. In my opinion the ending is LONG overdue. Today I found myself searching for old emails that contained eight year-old psychic readings. When I became a Christian I completely disavowed the occult and haven't looked back until now. Of course I deleted those emails long ago, but a part of me hoped that I may have missed a few. I even contemplated contacting said psychics to help retrieve previously deleted readings. I did not.

The point I'm trying to make is I'm losing hope and trust that God will deliever me soon from this long standing trial. Quite frankly I'm just sick of my situation. Despite knowing whatever information is supplied via the occult is going to be half-truths and lies, I was craving something positive that I will get through this. Something that gives me hope for a better outcome. So against my better judgement I sought out those emails.Read more... )
...
My ex is dead. My past experiences are history. I need to accept it and move-on. No amount of psychic readings and reminscing will change the past nor the future.

Progress

Dec. 9th, 2015 09:07 pm
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It's been six months since my surgery and I finally feel like the old me. It felt good to finally be able to do stuff like briskly walking to the parking lot or get up without having to hold on to something.

Undergoing surgery and the recovery process has sucked, BUT I am grateful that it wasn't more serious...like cancer. While this year has been difficult to say the very least, I understand it could have been far worse.
...

Cheesecake has really made a lot of progress. I can't blame the poor little guy for not trusting humans. For the first 16 years of his life he was never allowed out of his cage. He never was socialized properly. Getting him to come out of his cage was and still is a challenge, but he's slowly but surely starting to venture out. Initially I wasn't sure about Cheesecake coming to live with me, but I'm glad the circumstances permitted him in my life. It's just a shame Peaches and Cheesecake can't be friends.

I guess Peaches is just not a bird's bird LOL. He was also very antagonizing toward Snickers when he was alive. Snickers always used to commandeer Peaches' cage LOL. I miss that cute little trouble maker.
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"We can learn from yesterday, but we aren’t to live in it. The devil would love for us to stay stuck in the past. He wouldn’t even mind if, dreaming of an unrealistic future, we slacked off on what God has for us today. Each day we have the choice to embrace the future God has prepared for us." - Tony Evans
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Today is exactly one week since my ex passed away. It was a shock and to be honest--unexpected. I always thought he would get his transplants and go on to have a meaningful and happy, albeit abbreviated life. It's now apparent that it was never meant to be.

We broke up about four years ago and did not remain friends. I was filled with too much hurt and anger to continue to have him and his family (namely his mother) in my life. Slowly that hurt and anger turned into an all consuming hatred. Silently in my heart I would wish nothing but evil toward them.

I didn't realize this at the time, but all the unforgiveness I carried for so long started to negatively affect other areas of my life. Up until a few weeks ago my heart was growing alarmingly cold, evil, hardened and distant toward God. I blamed him for a lot of things including the debacle that was my relationship with my ex. I knew my heart was in a very dark angry place, I just didn't care enough to truly seek help.

The days following the news of his passing my heart began to soften to feel remorse, grief, sadness and guilt. Eventually all the hurt, anger, bitterness and hatred began to be replaced with overwhelming sadness, guilt and crippling condemnation. It wasn't until I asked Jesus to forgive me of all the awful and evil thoughts I felt toward my ex, that my heart began to change. The feelings of guilt and condemnation has almost completely faded away. Every now and then I still get sad and teary-eyed when I allow myself to wallow in the past. But when I do find myself slipping I remember this key verse:

"...Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead..." --Philippines 3:13-14

Spiritually, I was suffering from heart disease so severe, Jesus needed to shock my heart back into health. While I never wanted my ex to die, Jesus used what could have potentially destroyed me, into something good. This shock to my heart not only saved my life, but it allowed a spiritual renewal in my life. I'm still waging a war with rogue thoughts of anger and unforgiveness, but since I've let Jesus in my heart I have faith it can be overcome.

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13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead,14 with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 3:13-14

After much thought, I've decided to retire this journal. 

Better :)

Jul. 10th, 2015 11:56 am
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Yays! Livejournal is back up.
...

So...I'm doing much better :) I almost feel normal. Strange that is took me close to three weeks to be rid of the vertigo and brain frog. I'm guessing it's side effects of the general anesthesia.
...

Twitter has been hilarious as of late. Especially with all the Paula Deen/Confederate flag business. As much as I love twitter, it doesn't compare to Livejournal. Yes I know it's passase and all the cool kids are not on here, but I have not found any other blogging/social media platform quite like Livejournal. Don't even suggest Facebook. Facebook is an abomination that I no longer use (I deleted my personal account back in May). I hope Lj can be sold to someone who cares and can reinvigorate this site. It's a shame what poor management and neglect can do :(
...

WINDOWS 10 IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!! GIMME IT NOW!!!!! :D
 
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Just a brief updates of sorts. I'm doing much better. I had a minor setback, but it looks like I'm on the mend again :) I was able to secure one wah job and I'm still hoping to secure the other. I have medical bills to pay :( Or I should say out-of-pocket expenses to pay.
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Birds are doing fine.
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LOL @ Nickolas on GH. I like the new Nickolas, he's far more interesting now that's he's a villain.
...

That about sums up my update LOL.
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ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T SLEEP!!!! I would give anything to sleep on my side right now. It's a combination of heat and sleeping position that's contributing to my insomnia.
...

It's exactly two weeks since my surgery. I wish I could fast forward my recovery a year ahead.
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So far my incision is healing and I'm feeling a lot better. My gyno gave me the go-ahead to drive soon, so I'm looking forward to that :) Despite all that I'm still hating being some handicapped gimp. Having to depend on people who lack basic life skills is not a good feeling. This experience has given me a lot of perspective who I should have in my life. When I eventually get married, I'm going to make damn sure that person will be my equal. I'm not ok with being someone's mommy and babysitter.

Anywho, so back to my healing. Despite having zero complications relating to my surgery, somehow I developed cellulitis at my IV site. Figures. So far the antibiotics have been doing a decent job keeping the infection at bay, but I'm still worried.
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I ended up having an unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy with exploratory laparoscopy on the left ovary. So basically my right ovary and fallopian tube were removed. Left ovary looked healthy. Best news of all...tumor was BENIGN!!! It was just a plain old dermoid tumor. NO ovarian cancer :D

Our LORD Jesus Christ was watching over me and the procedure. There were a lot of people praying for me and a good outcome. I'm very humbled and grateful that God got me through everything.

I'm struggling with the recovery process. I find it very frustrating and exhausting. I even snapped at a person who only trying to help. I'll continue to pray about it.

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