nibblezz | Entries tagged with relationship

I'm watching "Away" on Netflix and something a character said really resonated with me:

"You're looking in the wrong direction."

I get stuck replaying everything that has gone wrong in the past three years, as a result I become angry, resentful, and hurt. Looking back does my mental health no favors. Yes, I want to learn from the past, but I have to stop allowing it to interfere with my present and future.

Part of looking forward is to forgive and move-on. It's really hard to forgive those who have been unnecessarily cruel to me. But if I want to get out of the rut I'm in I need to let go. So this week I'm NOT going to allow the negative aspects of the past to creep into my thoughts.

Why should I?

I no longer work for that egotistical and controlling motherfucker and all his dick sucking groupies. FUCK them.

And I'm no longer in contact with that self-hating shit head who's destined to die alone, fuckity fuck in CDD. He didn't deserve my heart or my kindness.

So, there is no need to keep dwelling on things that are over and done. I'll still be cordial, because I need business references, but if my ex boss asks me to work on anything for him, that'll be a polite HELL NO! And if that other fuck messages me for friendship after ghosting me, that'll be another polite HELL NO!

All that crap is in the past, now I just have to remember to look in the right direction.

Current Mood: blah

Steve is such an asshole.

Why do I even bother with him?

He didn't even acknowledge my birthday. I said it was my birthday, and he said nothing.

He complained no one likes him because he's an honest person and people don't want to hear the truth.

No.

No one likes him because he's a fuckin asshole who doesn't deserve my or anyone else's friendship. From this point on Steve will be known as fuckface.

I can do soooo much better!!

Fuck him.

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Location: Work

My ex passed away a year ago on the 20th, but I didn't find out until three days later. I found out when his mother angry tweeted something about UCLA Medical Center disrespecting a deceased native's body. When I read the tweet I'm like who is she talking about? I was thinking she was speaking about a fellow patient who was Native American. It slowly dawned on me it could be my ex. So I googled his name and there it was...his obituary. It's rough to see someone whom you cared for very much, have their date-of-birth proceeded by their date-of-death.

I took his death very hard. What helped me was Jesus' forgiveness and Philippians 3:13-14.

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

That verse helped to remind me whatever happened up until his death just doesn't matter anymore. The past is gone and I need to move on.

Fast forward a year later and I'm doing well. Time really does heal. Yes, I will always remember him and the day he died, but I continue to press forward with my life.

Current Mood: hot

Today is exactly one week since my ex passed away. It was a shock and to be honest--unexpected. I always thought he would get his transplants and go on to have a meaningful and happy, albeit abbreviated life. It's now apparent that it was never meant to be.

We broke up about four years ago and did not remain friends. I was filled with too much hurt and anger to continue to have him and his family (namely his mother) in my life. Slowly that hurt and anger turned into an all consuming hatred. Silently in my heart I would wish nothing but evil toward them.

I didn't realize this at the time, but all the unforgiveness I carried for so long started to negatively affect other areas of my life. Up until a few weeks ago my heart was growing alarmingly cold, evil, hardened and distant toward God. I blamed him for a lot of things including the debacle that was my relationship with my ex. I knew my heart was in a very dark angry place, I just didn't care enough to truly seek help.

The days following the news of his passing my heart began to soften to feel remorse, grief, sadness and guilt. Eventually all the hurt, anger, bitterness and hatred began to be replaced with overwhelming sadness, guilt and crippling condemnation. It wasn't until I asked Jesus to forgive me of all the awful and evil thoughts I felt toward my ex, that my heart began to change. The feelings of guilt and condemnation has almost completely faded away. Every now and then I still get sad and teary-eyed when I allow myself to wallow in the past. But when I do find myself slipping I remember this key verse:

"...Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead..." --Philippines 3:13-14

Spiritually, I was suffering from heart disease so severe, Jesus needed to shock my heart back into health. While I never wanted my ex to die, Jesus used what could have potentially destroyed me, into something good. This shock to my heart not only saved my life, but it allowed a spiritual renewal in my life. I'm still waging a war with rogue thoughts of anger and unforgiveness, but since I've let Jesus in my heart I have faith it can be overcome.

Current Mood: hopeful

My emotions have been swinging between compassion and anger since finding out about my ex's health. According to his mother he's in the ICU with kidney failure. Basically he's going to need a kidney-lung transplant. Not quite sure why it's not a lung-heart-kidney transplant, but to be frank it's not really my business anymore. Yes, I will pray for him to get better, but as far as sending him an email, calling him, or visiting it's not going to happen. That's no longer my place. I'm not his girlfriend I'm not even his friend.

A part of me still cares for him and it did hurt to read about his situation. Another part remembers all the hypocritical BS his controlling bitch of a mother pulled and how he was complicit in a lot of it and then my emotions go dark. I then start to wish all sorts of evil stuff toward them. I know as a Christian I shouldn't feel that way or harbor ill will, but today I just can't help it.

I'm not going to lie, I HATE that woman. If you occasionally interact with her then she's a decent person, but the real witch comes out when you deal with her on a personal daily level. Let's not even talk about her hypocrisy. If the world was perfect she'll die a horrible death and donate her heart (does she have one?), lungs and kidneys to her son. The world would be better for it if she would disappear LOL.

Current Mood: angry

So...it's a no-go. The recommended matches are a joke. What's the use if someone is 95%+ match, if the very two things I value most is not in play? I was matched up with someone who is a 99% match. Let's just say the person was an absolute douche nozzle LOL. For someone who supposedly valued chastity, he sure liked to talk about sex and pornos a lot.

~~I would delete my profile, but I spent A LOT of time answering their stupid questions. I think I'll just chill from the site for now~~. EVERY single profile I checked out was incredibly lame and obnoxious. Ok, maybe it's ME, but this just tells me I'm not likely to find the right person for me on OkCupid. I don't think going online is the answer for me. Oh well, no harm was done trying except for my time.

UPDATE: Deleted! Good riddance!

Current Mood: cynical

One upon a time I was on okcupid. The level of creepsters and losers on that site was beyond epic. Fast forward seven or so years later I'm trying the site again. This time I'm cautiously optimistic. I haven't filled anything out yet, except for some questions. I'll browse and see if there are anyone worth filling out my profile for. So far it's not looking good. As a women I have to be more cautious, especially considering my luck the first time around.

To be honest, I think I'm on the wrong site. I doubt I'll find anyone who shares my beliefs on religion and life. I probably should try Christian mingle or some other Christian based dating site.

On an unrelated note I think I'm getting sick 😩 Was it my trip to Costa Mesa or La Mirada that did me in? Sheesh. Stupid germs.

Current Mood: sick

Next month is May!!! Yes I know that is not a revelation, but my realization of the quickly approaching end of the semester caught me off-guard! For some reason it still feels like February. Anyone else feel this?
...

Still waiting for my unlock code. Oh AT&T how much I LOATHE thee. Apparently back in October/November of last year they made it much harder to obtain unlock codes for AT&T branded phones. After spending two weeks going back and forth between Nokia Care and AT&T, I've decided to just pay for the unlock code. It's now day five and I have not received my code. Unfortunately, it looks like I have to wait longer. The site lists the turn-around time between 5 to 15 business days. Not quite sure why the wait time is so long. I'm guessing AT&T is making third party unlockers jump through unnecessary hoops.
...

Karen is being her usual jerky self. Our friendship is dead. It's been dead for quite a while, but I suspect we continue to put up with this facade because I owe her money. I'm on a mission to pay her back as soon as possible and be free from her bitter and greedy ways. Looking back at our time together, the friendship has always been one-sided, even before car-gate lol. Even if I never borrowed from her (never borrow from friends...EVER), I could still see us either not being friends anymore or just growing apart like we've been doing. We are no longer the same people we were when we meet. The differences are now night and day. It's time to acknowledge that and move on.

Current Mood: awake

I'm bored...so I decided to troll the internets. What is that you say? Shouldn't you be finishing up your final projects????

Yeah. But I don't wanna!

Anyways I stumbled upon *Krissy's portfolio. *Krissy is an old foe, nemesis, art rival, etc., from my early days at RCC. It's a long and stupid story as to why we didn't like each other. My dislike for her has considerably diminished since 2008, ok it has entirely disappeared. So when I discuss her portfolio know that it's coming from a professional opinion, not one of animosity.

I must say for someone who has spent the last five years at Art Center, I was expecting great things...really great things when I looked at her portfolio. Unfortunately for her, what I saw was uninspired junk, not fitting for someone about to graduate from of one of the most selective and prestigious art schools in the world. What the heck happened Krissy?! While I disliked her, I always respected her ability to create decent art. But what I saw was utter crap that was on the level of a mediocre community college student.

WHAT THE HECK?!

Did the much older **Donald finally mold her into a poor man's extension of himself? I see his footprints all over her work, and not in a good way. I feel like tracking her down slapping the heck out of her all-the-while shouting "Wake the F up girl!" She's too good to waste her talent on someone's else's vision.

For her sake I hope she wakes up in time to salvage her artistic and professional vision. And I sincerely hope her questionable May-December relationship with **Donald works out, but it's been my experience with him that he has a special fondness for chicks of a certain complexion and features dissimilar to hers--and I'll just leave it at that.

*Not her real name
**Not his real name

Current Mood: bored

So I called my father last Saturday morning. I have mixed emotions about communicating with him again. On one hand he's my father and I love him. On the other hand, my conversations almost always leave me feeling somewhat upset. Mainly because he drudges up the past so much. For someone who claims to forgiven everyone, he sure likes to recount his excuses of why he did the things he did. I for one don't care who's fault it was or wasn't, in my eyes I forgave everyone including myself for what happened. If you keep bringing up stuff that supposedly has been forgiven, does that mean you haven't really applied forgiveness to the situation? What is done is done, no amount of finger pointing, recounting exaggerations of certain family members and the like will ever change anything.
...

Despite having financial difficulties, this Christmas I'm actually happy. Looking back the past two years, I'm so relieved to be a single women again. No more allergy masks, no more overbearing shrews, no more rude/disrespectful doctors/nurses, no more hearing anti-Christian sentiments, in essence no more BS. If anything this relationship has taught me what I need/want in a partnership. The next relationship I have, the person MUST have these three qualities:

MUST be born-again Christian. The bible was right. Nothing good can come from an unequally yoked relationship.
MUST NOT have an overbearing parent(s). If the person has one, they must be willing to stand-up to them. It's not my place to fight my significant other's parents.
MUST NOT have cat(s), dog(s) or any other furry creature. At this point I don't care if they are housed outside, I want NOTHING to do with them. I AM EXTREMELY ALLERGIC TO THEM AND WILL NOT WEAR A MASK OR MEDICATE MYSELF.

Everything else, I'm willing to work with. I'm not in the market right now for a boyfriend, but in the near future I will be looking.
...

CSU applications still pending. I wish they would hurry-up and make a decision. My future hangs in the balance. I plan to move close to whatever CSU will have me. I just hope I won't be in the same place come next year, I'm so sick of Riverside. I want out NOW!!!
...

Oh and I almost forgot...Merry Christmas to all :) I hope everyone's Christmas was fill with peace and joy :)

Current Mood: bitchy

Had a great holiday season, it holds great significance to me. I spent it with the people who I love and care for. Most importantly it was the first holiday season me and Will experienced as a couple. I love spending time with him and his family. They are certainly a joy to be around :)

We were going to close out the season with an IMAX showing of Avatar yesterday, but my uh...girly issues got in the way. But that's ok, we can always reschedule.

Current Mood: cheerful

School
Taking Flash and InDesign online. RCC canceled it's Flash class, and didn't offer it online so I'm taking it at Cerro Coso Community College online. I haven't taken a class there in over 3 or so years lol. But for the most part it is going well :)

Financial Aid has been painfully slow, but that is ok. It will just take longer for it to get resolved.

Relationship
I'm quickly approaching the 4 month mark of my relationship :D...time flies when you are happy and in love :D

Job
Still no luck :( I still have hope though :)

Misc
I feel somewhat bad I'm not creating any new art right now. Perhaps something will inspire me :)

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nibblezz

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My Journey

Entries tagged with relationship

"You're Looking in the Wrong Direction"

Asshole

Pressing On

Shock and Renewal

Compassion and Anger

LOL @ OkCupid

Ok Cupid

OMG!!!

How Krissy Needs to Get Her Groove Back

Lots and Lots of Stuff

The Holidays

Roundup 9-13-09