nibblezz: (Cute)
My ex passed away a year ago on the 20th, but I didn't find out until three days later. I found out when his mother angry tweeted something about UCLA Medical Center disrespecting a deceased native's body. When I read the tweet I'm like who is she talking about? I was thinking she was speaking about a fellow patient who was Native American. It slowly dawned on me it could be my ex. So I googled his name and there it was...his obituary. It's rough to see someone whom you cared for very much, have their date-of-birth proceeded by their date-of-death.

I took his death very hard. What helped me was Jesus' forgiveness and Philippians 3:13-14.

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

That verse helped to remind me whatever happened up until his death just doesn't matter anymore. The past is gone and I need to move on.

Fast forward a year later and I'm doing well. Time really does heal. Yes, I will always remember him and the day he died, but I continue to press forward with my life.
nibblezz: (Cute)
I'm in midst of a very demanding and long trial. In my opinion the ending is LONG overdue. Today I found myself searching for old emails that contained eight year-old psychic readings. When I became a Christian I completely disavowed the occult and haven't looked back until now. Of course I deleted those emails long ago, but a part of me hoped that I may have missed a few. I even contemplated contacting said psychics to help retrieve previously deleted readings. I did not.

The point I'm trying to make is I'm losing hope and trust that God will deliever me soon from this long standing trial. Quite frankly I'm just sick of my situation. Despite knowing whatever information is supplied via the occult is going to be half-truths and lies, I was craving something positive that I will get through this. Something that gives me hope for a better outcome. So against my better judgement I sought out those emails.Read more... )
My ex is dead. My past experiences are history. I need to accept it and move-on. No amount of psychic readings and reminscing will change the past nor the future.


Dec. 9th, 2015 09:07 pm
nibblezz: (Cute)
It's been six months since my surgery and I finally feel like the old me. It felt good to finally be able to do stuff like briskly walking to the parking lot or get up without having to hold on to something.

Undergoing surgery and the recovery process has sucked, BUT I am grateful that it wasn't more cancer. While this year has been difficult to say the very least, I understand it could have been far worse.

Cheesecake has really made a lot of progress. I can't blame the poor little guy for not trusting humans. For the first 16 years of his life he was never allowed out of his cage. He never was socialized properly. Getting him to come out of his cage was and still is a challenge, but he's slowly but surely starting to venture out. Initially I wasn't sure about Cheesecake coming to live with me, but I'm glad the circumstances permitted him in my life. It's just a shame Peaches and Cheesecake can't be friends.

I guess Peaches is just not a bird's bird LOL. He was also very antagonizing toward Snickers when he was alive. Snickers always used to commandeer Peaches' cage LOL. I miss that cute little trouble maker.
nibblezz: (Cute)
"We can learn from yesterday, but we aren’t to live in it. The devil would love for us to stay stuck in the past. He wouldn’t even mind if, dreaming of an unrealistic future, we slacked off on what God has for us today. Each day we have the choice to embrace the future God has prepared for us." - Tony Evans
nibblezz: (Cute)
Today is exactly one week since my ex passed away. It was a shock and to be honest--unexpected. I always thought he would get his transplants and go on to have a meaningful and happy, albeit abbreviated life. It's now apparent that it was never meant to be.

We broke up about four years ago and did not remain friends. I was filled with too much hurt and anger to continue to have him and his family (namely his mother) in my life. Slowly that hurt and anger turned into an all consuming hatred. Silently in my heart I would wish nothing but evil toward them.

I didn't realize this at the time, but all the unforgiveness I carried for so long started to negatively affect other areas of my life. Up until a few weeks ago my heart was growing alarmingly cold, evil, hardened and distant toward God. I blamed him for a lot of things including the debacle that was my relationship with my ex. I knew my heart was in a very dark angry place, I just didn't care enough to truly seek help.

The days following the news of his passing my heart began to soften to feel remorse, grief, sadness and guilt. Eventually all the hurt, anger, bitterness and hatred began to be replaced with overwhelming sadness, guilt and crippling condemnation. It wasn't until I asked Jesus to forgive me of all the awful and evil thoughts I felt toward my ex, that my heart began to change. The feelings of guilt and condemnation has almost completely faded away. Every now and then I still get sad and teary-eyed when I allow myself to wallow in the past. But when I do find myself slipping I remember this key verse:

"...Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead..." --Philippines 3:13-14

Spiritually, I was suffering from heart disease so severe, Jesus needed to shock my heart back into health. While I never wanted my ex to die, Jesus used what could have potentially destroyed me, into something good. This shock to my heart not only saved my life, but it allowed a spiritual renewal in my life. I'm still waging a war with rogue thoughts of anger and unforgiveness, but since I've let Jesus in my heart I have faith it can be overcome.

nibblezz: (Default)
13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead,14 with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 3:13-14

After much thought, I've decided to retire this journal. 

Better :)

Jul. 10th, 2015 11:56 am
nibblezz: (Default)
Yays! Livejournal is back up.

So...I'm doing much better :) I almost feel normal. Strange that is took me close to three weeks to be rid of the vertigo and brain frog. I'm guessing it's side effects of the general anesthesia.

Twitter has been hilarious as of late. Especially with all the Paula Deen/Confederate flag business. As much as I love twitter, it doesn't compare to Livejournal. Yes I know it's passase and all the cool kids are not on here, but I have not found any other blogging/social media platform quite like Livejournal. Don't even suggest Facebook. Facebook is an abomination that I no longer use (I deleted my personal account back in May). I hope Lj can be sold to someone who cares and can reinvigorate this site. It's a shame what poor management and neglect can do :(

nibblezz: (Default)
Just a brief updates of sorts. I'm doing much better. I had a minor setback, but it looks like I'm on the mend again :) I was able to secure one wah job and I'm still hoping to secure the other. I have medical bills to pay :( Or I should say out-of-pocket expenses to pay.

Birds are doing fine.

LOL @ Nickolas on GH. I like the new Nickolas, he's far more interesting now that's he's a villain.

That about sums up my update LOL.
nibblezz: (Default)
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T SLEEP!!!! I would give anything to sleep on my side right now. It's a combination of heat and sleeping position that's contributing to my insomnia.

It's exactly two weeks since my surgery. I wish I could fast forward my recovery a year ahead.
nibblezz: (Default)
So far my incision is healing and I'm feeling a lot better. My gyno gave me the go-ahead to drive soon, so I'm looking forward to that :) Despite all that I'm still hating being some handicapped gimp. Having to depend on people who lack basic life skills is not a good feeling. This experience has given me a lot of perspective who I should have in my life. When I eventually get married, I'm going to make damn sure that person will be my equal. I'm not ok with being someone's mommy and babysitter.

Anywho, so back to my healing. Despite having zero complications relating to my surgery, somehow I developed cellulitis at my IV site. Figures. So far the antibiotics have been doing a decent job keeping the infection at bay, but I'm still worried.
nibblezz: (Default)
I ended up having an unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy with exploratory laparoscopy on the left ovary. So basically my right ovary and fallopian tube were removed. Left ovary looked healthy. Best news of all...tumor was BENIGN!!! It was just a plain old dermoid tumor. NO ovarian cancer :D

Our LORD Jesus Christ was watching over me and the procedure. There were a lot of people praying for me and a good outcome. I'm very humbled and grateful that God got me through everything.

I'm struggling with the recovery process. I find it very frustrating and exhausting. I even snapped at a person who only trying to help. I'll continue to pray about it.


nibblezz: (Default)

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