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"We may not always see what's ahead, but He does.
There’s great power in trusting Him. For it clears the way for our security to be based solely on Him, not on our circumstances, or other people, not on ourselves, or our own ways of thinking.

He is faithful to lead us and He sees the big picture. He brings clarity and light through foggy times. He knows what’s around the other side of the bend where we can’t fully see. His timing is perfect even when we start to feel like we’ve been forgotten. No matter how we feel or what our current situation may be, we can be confident that God’s Presence will go before us, paving out pathways, guiding and guarding our steps.

Keep choosing trust. Let go of worry, hold on to Him.


He always seems to speak to me just when I need it.

It's so hard to trust when the situation doesn't look like it's close to being resolved. I have no other productive choice, but to trust that He will fix things. 
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Working, school and freelancing is exhausting. I almost told my client to take a hike. I was within minutes of telling him I couldn't work with him anymore. One, because I was extremely exhausted. Two, I was annoyed by the lack of design direction from him. Almost on que we skyped and the discussion helped steer me off the ledge. It felt a lot like God was telling me 'It's ok, I'll help you get through it'. And he did.

School doesn't end for another three months. It doesn't sound like a long time, but juggling all three plus the senior art show is overwhelming. Why did I even agree to the project? Again, like on que it was an opportunity to meet a need. I'm short on my tution and needed almost the extact amount I would be receiving from the freelance gig. Again, God met my need. It hasn't been easy, not by a long shot, but God is with me, so that is somewhat comforting.

Finally got a Surface Pro 4. Good timing too. My brick of a laptop is on it's last legs and my tabletPC is not only slow but also experiencing some worrisome problems. Hopefully I can prepare them for sale and get rid of them soon. My SP4 maybe much smaller than my 17.3" brick, but it performs much better and the screen is far superior. Where was this awesome tablet four years ago?
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My ex passed away a year ago on the 20th, but I didn't find out until three days later. I found out when his mother angry tweeted something about UCLA Medical Center disrespecting a deceased native's body. When I read the tweet I'm like who is she talking about? I was thinking she was speaking about a fellow patient who was Native American. It slowly dawned on me it could be my ex. So I googled his name and there it was...his obituary. It's rough to see someone whom you cared for very much, have their date-of-birth proceeded by their date-of-death.

I took his death very hard. What helped me was Jesus' forgiveness and Philippians 3:13-14.

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

That verse helped to remind me whatever happened up until his death just doesn't matter anymore. The past is gone and I need to move on.

Fast forward a year later and I'm doing well. Time really does heal. Yes, I will always remember him and the day he died, but I continue to press forward with my life.
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I HATE waiting, especially when I've been waiting for it sooo long. What am I suppose to be doing while I wait?! I probably know the answer to that's just I'm so frustrated. I wish life had a fast forward button to skip to the good parts and minimize the bad. Yeah I know life doesn't work that way, but I sure wished it did.
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I'm in midst of a very demanding and long trial. In my opinion the ending is LONG overdue. Today I found myself searching for old emails that contained eight year-old psychic readings. When I became a Christian I completely disavowed the occult and haven't looked back until now. Of course I deleted those emails long ago, but a part of me hoped that I may have missed a few. I even contemplated contacting said psychics to help retrieve previously deleted readings. I did not.

The point I'm trying to make is I'm losing hope and trust that God will deliever me soon from this long standing trial. Quite frankly I'm just sick of my situation. Despite knowing whatever information is supplied via the occult is going to be half-truths and lies, I was craving something positive that I will get through this. Something that gives me hope for a better outcome. So against my better judgement I sought out those emails.Read more... )
My ex is dead. My past experiences are history. I need to accept it and move-on. No amount of psychic readings and reminscing will change the past nor the future.
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After years of annoyance, fustration, bitterness and finally an all consuming hatred I think I'm ready to admit I need to refocus my efforts and leave the situation to the Lord.

Since I decided to go back to school and get a BFA in Illustration I had to make a lot of sacrifices one of which was moving in with my mother and my older sister. This wouldn't have been so bad if my sister wasn't such a spectacular mess and my mother being the indifferent enabler that she is. During the time that my sister has lived with my mother she has developed self-defeating "quarks." Basically my mother has allowed my sister's dysfunctions to grow like a maligant cancer, destroying everything and everyone that it touches.

I have pleded, argued and even fought with them individually on multiple occasions to enact change within themselves to better our living conditions. Yet the situation continues. Well I've had it. I'm too tired trying to reason with people who can't be reasoned with. I LOVE my mother and I will always want the best for her, but if I'm being honest with myself she has to shoulder a lot of the blame for this mess. She has the power to change the situation considering it is her apartment, but she chooses to let my sister do as she pleases. I know deep down my mother knows what needs to be done, but because it's hard she's unwilling to do it. Ok fine, she doesn't want the responsiblity of discipling and teaching your kid that actions have consequences, that's on her. She has chosen to live in misery due to decades of poor parenting, doesn't mean I have to.

Thoughts on my sister )

I'm Alive

Apr. 19th, 2016 12:30 am
nibblezz: (Cute)
So it's April now. So much stuff...

The Good

  • I FINALLY got hired and it's local! No more awful soul crushing morning commutes.

  • There is three more weeks until the semester is over. I hate school.

  • I love my new wardobe.

  • Free to exhale. Finished taxes on Sunday and it looks like I'm getting a small refund. Tax software from best to least: Turbo Tax > TaxAct > H&R Block. This will be my first and last time I use H&R Block. There was a reason Amazon had a price cut. Never again.

  • Discovered the Prism app. Got all my bills paid and sorted out.

  • I have hope again, that my situation will get better.

  • Hooked on The Catch.

  • I lost weight :)

  • Been more physically active, which led to the weight loss.

The Bad

  • Burnt-out. I can't bring myself to start on my project or draw...or design. Which is an awful thing considering my job is designing LOL.

  • I discovered I hate risographs.

  • Got bad news about my cousin. Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. It's not looking good for her :( If anyone happens to read this please pray for her. If Jesus can bring Lazarus back from the dead there is still hope for her.

  • The used copy of Adobe CS5 didn't pan out. The seller is a lying sack of poo. Good thing I bought it off of Amazon and was able to get my monies back. But this leaves me without software. CC? Yuck. I guess at this point I have no choice. I just wish Affinity would hurry up and release the beta for Windows already.

  • Had a mini spiritual meltdown and axed bible study. In my defense my bible study partner had very little life expereince in well...everything lol. I'm sure once she goes through more gut wrenching trials she'll grow some empathy until then...BYE! LOL


Feb. 3rd, 2016 04:46 pm
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What a week this has been. I'm now a few weeks into this semester and I have to say...I look forward to my very last day of school. I've mentally and physically clocked out. My sequential imaging class is nothing like I thought it was going to be. Basically it sucks. On a better note my production class is better than it was the last time I took and dropped it LOL.

I had a heart-to-heart with God about my situation and how I felt about it. When I woke up I felt different, almost like a new person. I've grown pretty angry and fustrated about my situation and blamed it on God. After a rather long and angry prayer session I went to sleep to awaken unburdened, no longer angry or bitter. To say I feel better is an understatement.

After my prayer session I got an email notification about a job that I applied to last month. I've scheduled the interview for Febraury 17th :). FINALLY!!! I don't think it was a coincidence. He definately deserves praise for this :)

In addition to getting new eyeglasses I went shoe shopping. No, I didn't get gazilion new designer pumps that I don't need. I got super cheap shoes that were on sale and/or clearance. Basically the shoes I have now are ready for the landfill. I also had to get very expensive refills for my Copic markers.
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My Beloved Daughter,

You are Mine, and you are called personally by Me. That’s why it is hard to watch you hold on to your past. I see you differently than you see yourself. You see what you’ve done, but I see what I want to do in you. You see where you’ve been, but I see where I want to take you. I have you covered, precious one, and I will use every mistake you’ve made as a tutor to make you wiser. As My daughter, you have the privilege and the choice to live an abundant life filled with joy, adventure, passion, and purpose. Don’t hold on to things that hold you back from My blessings. Your past has paved the road that led you to Me. Now ask Me to do a new thing, to make a way in the wilderness, and to increase your faith in ways you never dreamed possible. Take My hand, and let’s walk forward together into your new life.

Your heavenly Father

I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. - Isaiah 43:19

nibblezz: (Cute)
My Daughter,

Please don’t walk away from me when life hits and your heart is broken. I know sometimes you hurt so bad you want to blame me. I understand how hard it is for you to keep your heart committed to me, when you feel I have disappeared in the midst of your pain. I have been broken for you to have the strength to live. I am here--and I am working things out for you even when it seems as if nothing has changed. I have my hand on you and extended to you at all times. No one can hold you as close as I can. So don’t run, my love--unless it is into my arms of mercy.

Your Lord

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. - Psalm 23:6 (NLT)



Oct. 8th, 2015 02:12 am
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11

To say this year has been challenging is quite the understatement. It's been quite a struggle. Sometimes I wonder what's God's plan for my life. Is it really to give me hope and a future? Then I remember everything that He has done for me. While my situation is not ideal (to put it lightly), I know there is an ending. My hope is the ending will come sooner rather than later.
nibblezz: (Cute) gums hurt. This may sound disgusting, but I haven't done a proper flossing in ages. Tonight I did and well, my gums are hurting really badly LOL.

Today I was tested. When it felt my anger was going to get the better of me I prayed and read James 1:19. Doing both helped to calm myself down.

I saw a JD Farag post on [ profile] jesusfreaks. Before reading the post, I've briefly watched some of JD Farag end-time sermons. He's a little cooky (in a good way), but his end-time knowledge is very good. Anyways so I watched his prophecy update. I don't think I'm going to be worried/anticipating anything happening in September, but hey like he said the rapture can happen at anytime.

While watching, I couldn't help but wonder if the enemy is using my ex's death and other issues to occupy my time and thoughts while all these things are going down? I'm devoting too much time worrying and obsessing about things that hold no eternal value. Is this the plan of the enemy to kill my enthusiasm for the Lord, steal my time and destroy my soul? To make me waste precious time about non-important things that I leave this earth not fulfilling my calling? It sure feels like it. I need to pray and ask for our Lord's direction.
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"We can learn from yesterday, but we aren’t to live in it. The devil would love for us to stay stuck in the past. He wouldn’t even mind if, dreaming of an unrealistic future, we slacked off on what God has for us today. Each day we have the choice to embrace the future God has prepared for us." - Tony Evans
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Today is exactly one week since my ex passed away. It was a shock and to be honest--unexpected. I always thought he would get his transplants and go on to have a meaningful and happy, albeit abbreviated life. It's now apparent that it was never meant to be.

We broke up about four years ago and did not remain friends. I was filled with too much hurt and anger to continue to have him and his family (namely his mother) in my life. Slowly that hurt and anger turned into an all consuming hatred. Silently in my heart I would wish nothing but evil toward them.

I didn't realize this at the time, but all the unforgiveness I carried for so long started to negatively affect other areas of my life. Up until a few weeks ago my heart was growing alarmingly cold, evil, hardened and distant toward God. I blamed him for a lot of things including the debacle that was my relationship with my ex. I knew my heart was in a very dark angry place, I just didn't care enough to truly seek help.

The days following the news of his passing my heart began to soften to feel remorse, grief, sadness and guilt. Eventually all the hurt, anger, bitterness and hatred began to be replaced with overwhelming sadness, guilt and crippling condemnation. It wasn't until I asked Jesus to forgive me of all the awful and evil thoughts I felt toward my ex, that my heart began to change. The feelings of guilt and condemnation has almost completely faded away. Every now and then I still get sad and teary-eyed when I allow myself to wallow in the past. But when I do find myself slipping I remember this key verse:

"...Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead..." --Philippines 3:13-14

Spiritually, I was suffering from heart disease so severe, Jesus needed to shock my heart back into health. While I never wanted my ex to die, Jesus used what could have potentially destroyed me, into something good. This shock to my heart not only saved my life, but it allowed a spiritual renewal in my life. I'm still waging a war with rogue thoughts of anger and unforgiveness, but since I've let Jesus in my heart I have faith it can be overcome.

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A Murderer at Heart

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. - (Ephesians 4:31)

Many of us would never murder a person, but we may wish someone were dead. Have you ever hated anyone? Let me rephrase the question: Have you ever driven on a freeway anywhere in Southern California?

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.” (Matthew 5:21–22).

We also read in 1 John 3:15, “Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them.” The word used here for hate means “to habitually despise.” It is not just a transient emotion of the affections but a deep-rooted loathing.

We all lose our temper at times. I don’t think the Bible is saying that if you get angry and honk at someone, then you are a murderer. No, you are just a honker, and maybe you shouldn’t have lost your temper. The hatred the Bible is speaking of here is a deep-rooted loathing. It’s an attitude that says, “I hate your guts. When you walk into a room, I just seethe. I boil. I would like to see you destroyed. I sit around and think of ways that I could hurt you.”

Guess what? That is like murdering a person, and that is a sin before God.

So even if we have never committed the physical act of murder, the reality is that we still can be murderers in our hearts.

**Original Devotion Found Here

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This was today's key verse in bible study. I don't think anyone reads this, but in case someone does and is going through a serious trial, this word is for you:

In this chapter Jesus' disciples got into a boat and headed toward Capernaum. During their boat ride they encountered a fierce and dark storm. I'm sure terror and hopelessness crept into them while they battled to keep rowing toward the shoreline. Jesus saw what was happening and proceeded to render aid by walking on the water. His disciples were shocked and frightened that Jesus was able to supernaturally defy the turbulence of the storm. But Jesus tried to put them at ease by declaring "It is I; Don't be afraid." Once the disciples were willing to let Jesus in the boat, they immediately reached the safety of the shore.

What this means is when we are going through life's trials and difficulties we must trust that Jesus will get us through the other side of the situation. Even when things look hopeless, Jesus is ALWAYS with us and ready to come to us wherever we are at to render aid--if we let him. The disciples troubles did not get better until they trusted that Jesus would help the situation. DO NOT BE AFRAID, JESUS IS WITH YOU!!!! Like the disciples, let him in, not only in your situation, but in your heart. HE is waiting for you!
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"Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? " -- 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." -- 1 Corinthians 7:39

Yup. That is why if you are a born-again Christian you should NOT get into a relationship, let alone marry an unbeliever. Someone who is not a Christian will never truly understand the dedication and faith it takes to live as a Christian. And the born-again Christian will never truly accept living as the world does, nor would we ever truly accept humanistic doctrines that are prevalent in our society. In the short term it may work, but in the long term it's not sustainable, ESPECIALLY if children are involved.

For the record I don't want children, but if I did, I would raise them as Christians. There would be absolutely no comprise on this. Only another born-again believer would understand the reasons behind this and lovingly embrace this.

I feel many fellow Christians are in the dark about marrying outside the faith. I should know, considering I almost did. Looking back I can't believe I was so ignorant about this. If I had read the bible in the first place I would have avoided an ill-fated relationship. But everything happens for a reason, and I feel God allowed me to enter that relationship to show me why the bible warns against interfaith marriage. LESSON LEARNED!!!

It's going to be very interesting to see how the writers handle the situation between April and Jackson. I won't hold my breath that they write April realistically. They'll probably just have her either "see the light" and dump Christianity or have her compromise her faith in the name of tolerance. After all it's a secular TV show with very secular philosophies. I'll just leave it at that.  
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"When you pass through the waters, I am with you; when you pass through the streams, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not harm you."
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Pastor Chuck Smith died today due to complications to lung cancer. I'm happy for him that he is in our Lord's presence and no longer suffering, but I'm still sad. I did tear up (at the most inconvenient time mind you) when I heard the news about his passing. I...we all knew it was quickly approaching, but a part of me didn't want to face--admit that a day was coming in where we would be without him. I used to hear him everyday or just about everyday around 3pm on KWAVE discussing prophetic biblical events and bible related questions. I will definitely miss hearing him on the air, he has left a huge mark on the Christian community. He definitely left an impact on my life. Over the past 40 years, he has been responsible for so many coming to Christ and influenced countless others such as Greg Laurie from Harvest Fellowship in Riverside. I'm sure Pastor Smith heard these words upon entering heaven, "‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.'" --Matthew 25:21 ESV

As uncomfortable or morbid as this may be, his death is a reminder to the living that there will come a day when we too will pass away, some sooner rather than later. The question that is presented to us while we are alive is, have we accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior? God has given us every second while we are alive to come to this decision by our own free will. We all sin and come short of the glory of God, Jesus Christ died for our sins, if you place your faith in Jesus Christ your sins will be forgiven and you will be saved. Please, don't let anyone deceive you by claiming being a "good" person will save you. It won't. No matter how "good" you think you are, you still sin and it's that very sin that separates you from God. If you die in your sins (not accepting Christ) you will have a permanent separation (hell) from God (Romans 3:10-18). Once we have passed into eternity it will be too late to accept Jesus Christ (Romans 6:23). No matter how hard the world tries to convince you of alternative spiritual paths, remember we only have ONE life to get things right. Do it now, don't delay because life is not guaranteed--anyone--healthy, sick, young or old can die at any given moment.

If you happened to stumble across this post, it's no accident, God is speaking to you. Do it now!
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I have a lot on my mind. Some has to do with current events, work stuff, health annoyances, and faith challenges. Im not in the mood to write a novel so I'll just use bullet points to briefly summarize my thoughts.

•Snowden is a TRAITOR. It enrages me to hear the naive masses call this treacherous crowd a "hero." Just as well, like him, they are unwilling to sacrifice for a greater good.

•Old client contacted me yesterday. UGH! Im just glad he flaked and didn't respond. The guys communication skills leaves much to be desired. Im burnt-out with this UI project anyways to deal with that jerk.

•I want a Wacom Cintiq 22HD touch, a Surface Pro and a bunch of Copic Markers. Why must i lust for expensive art stuff?

•Relapsed. Having nasty autoimmune flare-ups. Still super fat :| Bad mood.

•Still going through a trial. Yes i know, I'm to rejoice, but I'm not there yet. I HATE going through one. I know intellectually we all must have our faith tested and I have experienced some close moments with God as a result, but I must say it sucks. I've been in a trial for so long I what it to end.

Anyways I'm done


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